Monday, April 14, 2014

The Fondue Report


I haven’t updated my blog in a long time and lately there’s been an influx of people commenting on what’s already on here.  It always feels strange when people present-tense comment on things I wrote about in the past.  I often feel like I’m looking at my words from afar, trying to remember where I stood and how the ground felt beneath me when I was writing about things I no longer think about.

So maybe it’s best to give an update, but even that feels strange.  The fact is that I’ve always had a difficult time writing about being happy, which is frankly why you haven’t heard from me in a while.  This strikes me as both an enormous problem and a complete non-issue, but it’s how I’ve always operated.  I’m able to dig fairly deep into the muck when I’m dealing with grief and rejection and heartache and loss.  I try to connect to others through the stories I tell about difficult times.  But when things are going well, I don’t really know what to say.

I have a difficult time turning positive emotions into lovely words.  I’ve never been one to write about songs and butterflies.  And while friends and family can attest to my ability to stray toward the cheesy when telling them behind-the-scenes what they mean to me, I’m less apt to broadcast to the world about the things in my life that are going well.

This all sounds cagier than I intended, as if the source of my happiness is somehow secretive.  That’s not the case.  It’s more that several events coincided at similar times in a way that caused significant improvement on my life and mood.  One of those things was finding an apartment that I absolutely love, which allowed me to stop stressing about looking at so many apartments I absolutely hated.  Along with that, I’m also now in a neighborhood that I love, which has made an incredible difference in my life.  And because I’m living in an apartment that I love in a neighborhood that I love, I’ve been spending more and more time with the friends that I love, doing the things that I love, in a location that I love.  (Are you bored yet?  I told you I’m bad at talking about being happy.) Another change was meeting an awesome person who makes me endlessly happy, but I’d rather keep that one close to my vest than go into too many details. 

Suffice it to say, things are going well and I don’t really know what else to say about it.  The freelance assignments are not exactly pouring in and I know I’m going to have to be creative with my budget – but I’m at a point in my life, (right now, in this moment – don’t quote me on this two months from now) where I’ll take happiness over having a steady income.  I know I have a lot to figure out as far as my freelance work goes, but I also trust that I will figure it out.  And I trust that in the meantime, it’s more important that I’m spending time with people who make me happy and who bring out my best and who make me thrilled to be a participant in this life.

All of that was cheesy and I don’t know how to make it non-cheesy.  This is my fondue update of happiness.  Someday I’ll learn to write about this stuff in a way that isn’t so drippy.  For now, there’s this: Things are going well.  Life is good.  Sorry I’ve been so quiet.  Thank you for all your comments on past posts.  I wish I was better at all of this because it makes me look like such a shitty writer when I can’t talk beyond songs and butterflies.  But maybe that’s just what this is: a good time for my life, a bad time for my writing.  God knows it’s been the other way around, so for now I’ll take it.  Shitty writing and all.