Role/ Reboot Essay

I have an essay up at Role/Reboot.  It's about my failed attempt to fake my way through a trip with my boyfriend and his entire family to Hawaii and pretend that I totally don't have a problem with body image/ eating.  Needless to say, it ended like this: http://www.rolereboot.org/life/details/2013-05-i-have-an-eating-disorder-and-no-one-in-my-life-know

Okay You Guys, This is Happening

I pride myself as someone who tries her best to be authentic, but the truth is that there are large parts of myself that I keep securely hidden behind closed doors and never, ever talk about.  With anyone.  Except my (wonderful, amazing, lovely) therapist.

This is about to change, because I'm about to have a very revelatory and putting-myself-out-there essay published.  And I guess all I can really say is this: This is happening.  I'm doing this.  Just like I said, I'm putting myself out there.

(I'm a little scared.  Hold me.)

And So Tonight I'll Write

I could make a list of the people I miss.  It wouldn't be comprehensive, but it would sure as hell include anyone who attended Lewis & Clark College from the years 2000 - 2002, and anyone who attended Emerson College from the years 2002 - 2004, and anyone who lived in Los Angeles from 2004 - 2005, and anyone who worked at P.F. Chang's at Bridgeport Village in 2006, and anyone who worked in Vancouver in 2011, and anyone who was in London in 2001, and anyone who was in Phoenix in 2005, and anyone who lived in Boston or spent time in Colorado or waited tables at Rodney's or went to parties on Orchid Street or lugged cases of beer with me through the streets of Cambridge or got bitched at by an agent in Beverly Hills or moonwalked with me outside a bar in North Hollywood or made a home with me on 20th Avenue or lived in those awful dorms or went with me to New Mexico and West Virginia or scuba dived with me in Mexico or held my hand after that guy tried to kill himself or grew up in that crazy, silly town with me.  Anyone I talked to in Arizona and all those boys I kissed and all those girls who shared their pizza and beer and all those nights when I felt so damn lucky to be 17 and 22 and 29.  And now I'm 31 and I still have nights like this, meeting up with someone at a bar and talking for hours about life and writing and feeling like all is right with the world and also feeling like there's so very much I miss, so many roommates and boyfriends and strangers whose presence I miss. And I don't really know what to do with this many emotions and this many feelings and words. And so tonight, I'll write.

Manifesto

It's taken me a big amount of time and a bigger amount of therapy to be able to say what I'm about to say.

I am a writer. This colors the way I look at the world. I am a writer. This colors the way I interact with the world. I am a writer. This colors the way I present myself to the world. Writing is the greatest tool I have at my disposal. It helps me to make sense of my life. It gives me community. It keeps me from feeling alone, and it keeps me from going insane.

If you want to date me, you should read what I write. Have your mom read it, too. Discuss whether or not you can handle dating someone who writes openly about love and loss. If you can't handle it, do everyone a favor and get out.

I'm not going to silence my writing for fear of what suitors might think of me. Writing is part of who I am. Suitors should know this and accept this and it should not be suggested to me to tone anything down on their behalf.

I do not regret being honest and revelatory in my writing. Whether I'm speaking about depression or grief or friendship or love or heartache, I have the right to say what I need to say. I have the right to share my voice.

I'm a firm believer that vulnerability is a form of strength. I didn't connect with hundreds of strangers by glossing over my feelings on loneliness and quiet desperation. I connected with them by writing sincerely and by showing people who I am through my words.

If you cheat on me or lie to me, will I write about you? Of course I will. I'll also write about myself when I do something stupid. I'll write about myself when I'm feeling low.

It seems like there's been a movement to silence women writers, and I'm starting to understand how dangerous this is. Writers write. We put ourselves out there. A writer who is asked to silence her writing is a writer who is asked to silence who she is.

If you're a member of my family, man, am I sorry. It cannot be easy to have a  family member who blabs about anything and everyone on a public blog. If you're able to avoid reading it, I encourage you to do so -- especially if it makes you uncomfortable or sad.

As for me, I'll be fine -- as long as I can write. I'm a writer. I'm going to write. The people I'll hold close and dear are the ones who both accept and value me for this.

I'm in a really good place right now. I'm stronger than I've ever been. I can take care of myself, even when there's fear and sadness. That's what makes life what it is. At the end of the day, I'm doing pretty well. I'm happy about my life. I'm happy to share it with you. I'm not afraid to write about it. Don't be afraid on my behalf. We're all fine here.